LOOKED IN THE MIRROR & WASN'T HAPPY WITH WHAT I SAW...

Recently I had someone tell me I am too high maintenance. My idea of high maintenance was always some prissy female or what was portrayed in the movie "When Harry Met Sally". I never felt I really had either one of those characteristics. But still, this bothered me that I would be labeled a high maintenance person. I know how people in general react to someone they consider high maintenance. They groan and roll their eyes when they see that person come in the room. They don't answer the phone when they see that person on caller ID. They don't answer the door when that person happens to just drop by. They cut short the time they spend with that person. And here I am in that category. That means that someone or probably several someones have done one or all of those things when I've been around. I can't get angry about it because I've done the same thing to people I consider to be high maintenance.

Anyhow, since being categorized this way bothers me, I wanted to see what I could do to change it. So the first thing I did was research on 'high maintenance people'. And what I found wasn't pretty. In fact it has hit me like a ton of bricks. According to the majority of information I found, high maintenance does not necessarily refer to prissy women who are picky about everything as I had originally thought. Instead it refers more to someone who wants or demands more attention than people are wanting to give them. It also refers to someone who tends to depend on someone too much to help with problems, confides too much in someone, or makes it seem that another person is responsible for their happiness or well being or that there is no one else they can turn to. In other words, being a drain on someone.

I do tend to rely on people too much at times. I will be the first to admit that I want, love, crave attention (as long as it's not negative) and that sometimes I even go out of my way to get it. But I am also very shy and very sensitive, not only in how I sense people are and behave around me, but also sensitive to other people's positive or negative feelings. A lot of times I take another person's negative emotions personally because I tend to feel it's because of me or something I did.

I'm not the most confident person in social situations. I have very few friends and even fewer that I would call close friends. People come into my life and go out of my life. It's rare that I will have a friend I am still close with or talk to on a regular basis after 5 years of knowing them. Usually they become more of an acquaintance and I am the one who will actually get in contact with them every so often. I think twice I've had someone try to find me that I was friends with and we moved apart and hadn't talked in years. I don't make friends that easily, or rather I should say, I don't KEEP friends that easily.

I'm not very outgoing so unless someone initiates contact with me to begin with, it's very unlikely I will initiate contact with them. Once they do, then I get excited that someone actually wants to get to know me or be friends with me. Then that's when the difficulties begin, at least with most of them. I'll want to spend too much time with them or something like that (probably because I don't have a bunch of other friends to call on) and then the 'high maintenance' behaviors come out.

So now I know that I am high maintenance. I guess the first step was admitting it as they always say. The next thing I did research on were ways to curb that behavior or those tendencies. I've been very disappointed so far on what I've found. Most everywhere I've been focuses more on how to deal with a high maintenance person than for the high maintenance person to learn to deal in a more beneficial manner. Other places focus on accepting yourself as high maintenance and why there is nothing wrong with it and how you just need to find someone who can cater to your 'special' needs. And even some sites were trying to promote being high maintenance. I don't want to learn how to deal with a high maintenance person, or accept that I am just that way and people will have to deal with it. I don't want to be high maintenance at all. Perhaps there are benefits to it, but even if there are, I still don't want to be high maintenance. I know there has to be other people that have felt the way I feel. I know there are others who refuse to just accept that they are that way and always will be that way so everyone else around you has to accommodate for it.

So now I'm basically on a quest for books, articles, forums, or anything where I can find information on correcting high maintenance behaviors with more positive and beneficial behaviors. Perhaps there are techniques, tips, ideas somewhere. There has to be SOMETHING out there. I'm sure A.D.D. plays a role in it as well. It does seem that we tend to be a high maintenance group in general. But I am tired of draining everyone around me and pushing people away when it's the last thing I'm wanting to do. One way or another I am determined to find a way to fix this.

OK, I guess I'm done venting about that. I may need to start relying more on venting and brainstorming here in my journal than with other people specifically. Also I may start back with my counselor. I understand more now why I sometimes need to pay money for someone to talk to. I suppose if it's their job and I'm paying them for an hour of their time, it can't really be considered being high maintenance to talk to them. My only problem is there are some things I can't discuss even with a paid counselor. I guess there just will be some subjects I can't confide in anyone about. It's not fair to put all of that on a friend that I feel I can trust. So if I have no one I can talk to about certain things, then that's just the way it is. I can still write here and not everything I write is viewable to the public anyhow.

Guess I need to sleep sometime. It took me until 4 a.m. to figure out what I have so far and I'm dead tired now.