JUST BLAH

It's almost 11 p.m. on Saturday night and I'm sitting here home alone by choice.  Hubby REALLY wanted to go out tonight and as much as I tried to get even a teensy bit motivated to go, I couldn't.  So he went with a friend and is probably a little ticked at me for not going.  I just wasn't up for it and I would have been a wet blanket, which would have been worse, I think.  I don't get hardly any time alone, so it's actually nice for a change.

I've really been in a mood lately.  There's nothing really wrong or bad going on.  I've just felt drained and really 'blah'.  I haven't had the motivation to even do things I normally enjoy, such as blogging.  That's why I just posted a quiz the last time.  I've been reading other blogs and commenting here and there, but didn't feel up to trying to write an entry.  I'm not sure I felt like writing one tonight, but I figured I'd try and usually I'll babble on about something.  I guess I can update on what I've been up to for starters.

THURSDAY

Took the day off work since I had 2 doctors' appointments and I'd actually make more money taking the day off than trying to work and go to my appointments.  The first one was with my shrink.  He thinks I'm doing quite well, but then I've been in this weird mood so I don't know. 

We went over the sleep problem again.  He told me that most people with ADD just don't need as much sleep.  The problem is that hubby does.  He can't really go to sleep well unless I'm in bed, too.  I either have to take a sleeping pill or be awake in the dark most of the night.  He just can't see how I could possibly function going to bed between 2 and 3 a.m. and getting up at 6 or 7 a.m.  The thing is that if I sleep more than that, I usually feel like I feel now.  Just dragged out and lethargic.  My shrink thinks hubby ought to be more understanding that I just don't need to sleep 7 to 8 hours a night.  I understand he needs to sleep that much and I don't try to keep him up.  So I think I have an idea, but it's going to take some adjusting to.  He wants me to go to bed at roughly the same time he does.  Since I feel better at 4-5 hrs of sleep, I want to try and adjust my sleep schedule so I get sleepy and can fall asleep then, but I get up much earlier.  For some reason, this idea seemed more acceptable to hubby than going to bed so late.  But in order to get my body to feel like falling asleep earlier, when I'm already a nocturnal person, it's going to take some doing.  I have to start getting up 30 minutes earlier for about a week, then 30 minutes earlier than that the next week, and so on, until I have gotten to where I'm sleepy at that time.  When I actually DO get sleepy and fall asleep, I sleep very soundly.  When I'm made to go to sleep before I really feel like sleeping, I wake up many times a night, dream more, and feel less rested.  I think this whole sleep problem is a big part of my 'mood' lately.  If I sleep too much, I feel this way and I think that's what has been happening.  I also think that hubby is not going to like me getting up at 4 a.m. any better than me going to bed late.  He's still a light sleeper and I'm sure me getting up is going to wake him up.  So I don't know that this will even solve our problems.  It just seemed that the idea of me getting up earlier is more socially acceptable than going to bed so late.  Either way, it's not going to change the fact that I just don't need to sleep as much as hubby does. 

He says I sleep too much on weekends.  I tend to sleep if I'm bored.  I know that.  If we don't have something planned, then I end up sleeping in.  Lately though, I've been setting my alarm the same time on weekends as well.  It's just that I'm much busier during the week, so the chance of me getting bored is much less.  So it appears I have unlimited energy during the week and that I'm lazy on the weekends unless we have something going on.

Well, anyhow, I knew I'd babble about something.  So the shrink visit took all of about 30 minutes and I had a couple of hours to kill before my next appointment.  I had thought about going over to the office since I was right there, but decided against it because I knew I'd get caught up in doing something there and I took the day off.  I didn't want to drive 20 miles back home and then 20 miles back, so I went to Barnes and Noble bookstore.  I can kill a whole day in a bookstore.  Anybody that's ever been with me to the mall will testify to the fact that I'm almost impossible to pry away from the bookstore once I step foot in there.  So killing a couple of hours was nothing.  Of course now I found some books I really want to go back and buy soon.

My next appointment was with the GYN doctor.  I was going to see about getting my hormone levels checked out.  But since I was going, I went ahead and had my annual exam as well.  I had taken my knitting with me so I'd have something to do in the waiting room. 

It was my first time there, so I had to fill out all the paperwork.  I always leave the line for SSN blank.  I don't want my medical records tied in with that number.  I already have to use it for tax purposes.  I just don't like so many records under one single number.  Besides, there is no law stating that I have to give my SSN to any doctor.  My health insurance card does not have it on there either.  I made them give me an arbitrary number.  I don't carry it with me or have it on any card that I carry with me.  So of course, the moron behind the desk gives me a hard time about it.  "We HAVE to have your SSN for insurance purposes", is what she told me.  Well, uh, no, you don't, because the insurance company doesn't even have it.  There was no way she was getting my SSN.  I've been doing this for years and it gets worse every year, but I've figured out a few ways to get around it.  I did have one doctor's office actually tell me they could not treat me because I wouldn't give them my SSN.  Fine.  I just went elsewhere.  If they keep pressing for it, I usually do one of two things.  I will write down a 9 digit number that I make up, usually starting with a 9.  Or more commonly, I'll just tell them I don't know it and I never memorized it.  That's what I did with this woman.  She was so astounded that I wouldn't know my SSN.  I told her that I don't use it for identification purposes except when I do my taxes and I do that at home where my SS card is.  They can't do anything to me just because I never memorized my SSN.  But still, the looks I get with that one are priceless.  But what can they do?  After I told her I didn't know it and I never carry anything in my purse with it in case my purse got stolen, she didn't say another word.  The day may come where I will be forced to give it to a doctor or hospital, but I will fight it tooth and nail all the way.

Then I got to sit in the little examination room that they make you wait another long stretch in, but this time I'm wearing a paper gown.  I had to wait forever it seemed and I thought about knitting some while I was waiting in there, but the idea of me knitting while wearing a paper gown just didn't seem so good.  I can just imagine how that would look to the doctor when he walked in.  When he was done, he gave me paperwork to take to the lab so I can get my blood work done.  Another thing to look forward to.   I always seem to get the ones who are new at sticking people.  Or they have the place so damn cold that it's nearly impossible to find my vein, but they try anyway.  But I do need to get this done, so I'll just have to endure it.

FRIDAY

Went to work and was super busy since I wasn't there the day before.  Other than that, not much went on.  I was in a blah mood that night and didn't feel like doing anything then either.  Plus it's been raining like every day.  I'm so sick of rain.  The barometric pressure headaches have plagued me every day, plus the dreariness doesn't help with my mood.  Also, someone around me is very stressed out.  Or it could be several people.  I don't know.  I'm not sure who it is, but I know I've been feeling it and it's not coming from me.  I've had no reason to be stressed, yet my neck, shoulders and back have been so tense and knotted up.  They still hurt and I've tried several things.  I probably need to splurge and actually get a massage.  That's the only thing I haven't done to try to get rid of this.  I can feel the knots, but I just can't seem to work them out or get the muscles to relax at all.  All I know is that it's really bothering me.  Maybe whoever it is will be less stressed soon.

SATURDAY

This morning we had a major downpour of rain.  I thought the gutters were going to break off.  Evidently, I need to climb up there and see if there's a bunch of junk in the gutters.  Of course with all this rain we've had, the mosquito population is terrible.  I've got to find something to keep them down somewhat.  Just tonight I was outside and I had 5 or 6 of them on me before I knew it.  I think they make something that attracts them and traps them.  I may have to look into that.  It's hard to enjoy the deck or grilling out when there's so many mosquitoes.

My piano came this morning.  I've played with it some, but of course it needs tuning.  There was some of my old sheet music in the bench and music recital report cards, and even a couple of old comic books from when they used to $1.  I remember them being cheaper than that, even.  I thought I'd really want to play it when it got here, but I haven't felt like doing anything.  It was rainy and nasty until this afternoon anyhow and I had another pressure headache as well.

I did do one thing this evening.  Hubby's friend convinced us to go bowling.  Now, I haven't bowled in over 10 years and I wasn't any good at it then either.  I still suck at it, but I had a good time. 

After we got home is when hubby wanted to get ready to go out tonight and I realized that I really, really just did not want to go.  I'm not really sleepy either.  I'm just blah.  I thought about playing poker, but haven't felt like it any more than playing the piano or the guitar.  I messed around some with the guitar today.  Hubby got a double bass pedal for his drums so he can do those rolling bass drum beats that are popular in heavy metal music.

So that's basically what I've been up to.  Pretty boring, isn't it?  I am doing laundry, though.  I feel like I need to get something done.  I thought about getting on the treadmill for a while to see if that helps, but being that it's now almost midnight, I probably don't need to wake myself up any more and that would do it.  I wish I had something really cool to look forward to tomorrow, but I don't.  If it's sunny (and I hope it is, because the rainy days have made me somewhat depressed), then I'd like to get out and get some sun.  I just hope that I can without getting bit by mosquitoes. 

Well, that's it for now.  Maybe tomorrow I'll have something more interesting to write about.