MIDNIGHT'S FINAL VET VISIT

I called today and made my cat Midnight's final vet appointment.  Tomorrow morning at 8:40 a.m. is when his appointment is.  You don't know how hard it was for me to make this call.  I feel I am doing the right thing, but of course there are always doubts, it seems.  They asked me what I wanted done to him after.  I am choosing to have him cremated and to have his ashes.  He's been with me for 18 years at least and he's probably a bit older than that, even. 

I was afraid after yesterday that this morning he might not be alive.  But he was, and he had moved again.  He still has not touched any food.  He didn't eat his favorite canned food that he loves.  I got him once again to drink a bit of water where he was laying.  It seems to hurt him to get up and move and I don't think when he does get up and move, that it's because he is going to get water.  It's like he's uncomfortable, so he makes the effort to get up and move as though to find another spot that is more comfortable.  I worry that he may not make it until tomorrow, but I hope he does.  But I'll be worried when I get home today and all evening and then when I wake up in the morning.  I want him to be as comfortable as possible for now.

The vet's office asked if I wanted to be in the room with him.  Oh, how hard that is going to be.  This is the first time having to do this and I wasn't sure I wanted to see this at all.  But I think a part of me would feel guilty for not being there with him until the end.  So as difficult as this is going to be, I said 'yes'.  How I wish hubby was going with me, but he's unable to take time off work right now.  I told my boss and she understands what I'm going through.  For now, she expects I will be into work tomorrow after this is done.  Truthfully, I don't know whether I'll be able to function well at work or not.  But then sitting home alone in an only one cat household after tomorrow probably wouldn't be good either.  So I don't know what I'm doing.  I'll see how I feel afterwards.  I just know it's not going to be good either way.

My other cat, Priestess, is just behaving really oddly.  She wants to be nowhere near Midnight and has tried to dart into any room she can.  She's fine when she's in the room with us, but she just acts really weird having to be in the same area as Midnight.  I'm figuring she's going to grieve about him some.  I don't know how hard this will be on her, or if she'll understand except the fact that he is gone.

Today, I've been in tears off and on, my stomach feels like I have a lead weight in it, and my neck and back are more stiff and in pain than usual.  I know it's because of this.  I don't know if I'll be able to eat much at all today.

I have my 5th poker tournament for the WPTfan.com Series of Poker tonight.  I had thought about not playing at all.  I'm just not in the mood for anything really.  I want it all to be over with.  But I guess I'm going to play because doing anything that might help get my mind off this would probably be helpful.  All I really feel like doing is going back to bed and throwing the covers over my head.  I'd give just about anything if I could get rid of this migraine headache I have.  I know it's stress, just by the tension I feel in my neck.  I've taken medication, but nothing is putting a dent in the pain.  It's hurt so bad that I feel sick to my stomach.  I just want the pain to stop and I don't see an end to it anytime soon.

Midnight, I love you so very much and I'm going to miss you something terrible...