WHAT'S IT MATTER?

I'm sad, discouraged, disappointed, and just don't see the point in trying to do much of anything anymore.  No one really gives much of a crap anyhow and I always end up feeling that I just wasn't good enough or that I can't do anything good enough to satisfy some people.  I've just really had the wind knocked out of my sails with everything this past week or so.  Usually I'm quick to get back up when I fall down and try again.  This time I just feel like staying down.

It's not just the tooth pain, although that aggravates everything else, I'm sure.  It's losing my cat, it's my Mom being the way she is and putting hubby down every chance she gets, it's being worried about my nephew, it's having a crummy 10 year anniversary and being so broke on top of it, it's me feeling I'm a wet blanket because I haven't felt like doing much of anything, it's me feeling that anything good I do is vastly overshadowed by everything wrong I do (at least in other people's eyes), it's me not being able to relax and enjoy anything I would normally enjoy or being able to have time to myself without feeling I'm neglecting other people or being selfish, it's me asking or needing help or understanding from those close to me and again being made to feel my requests are unreasonable or selfish.  I could go on and on and on.

Nothing ever seems to change.  I just vent about the same things month after month.  I push away my friends when I really need them.  I don't mean to, but it seems I do by my actions and words.  Family members and others just keep pushing me and pushing me.  I need to do more of this or that, or less of this or that.  Then when I comply, it's not good enough, or other things I'm doing wrong are brought up.  It's never enough.  It's never good enough.  I get to feeling that it's all my fault.  They may not say it, but they act like everything that is wrong with their lives is because I'm not doing something they want.  I really want people in my life to be happy.  I try to help them to be happy.  I would generally do anything they needed me to in order for them to be happy.  But when I fall short, then I feel I am the reason they are unhappy.  So why do I even try?  I haven't figured that out yet.

Hubby doesn't like me blogging.  He thinks it's a waste of time.  It doesn't matter that it's therapeutic for me or that perhaps I might enjoy it.  He sees it as time taken away from him.  He sees it as I'm not giving him all the attention he needs.  Same with poker.  Poker is what we got into our last fight about.  It doesn't matter to him if I'm happy because I actually did well and took out a professional player who placed 3rd in the 2004 WPT.  To him, it means I'm not paying him enough attention.

So when I actually want someone to talk to about problems at work (oh yeah, I guess I didn't mention that above), or about my tooth problems, I basically don't have that luxury.  He doesn't want to hear about it.  I was told today that he's tired of hearing about me being in pain and that he's in pain all the time.  He's tired of me talking to him about anything at work because he wants me to find another job closer to home and he's complained and complained that I haven't gotten a raise.  The reason I haven't gotten a raise is because the company may get bought out and if that happens, I'm out of a job anyhow.  Therefore they are not spending any extra money on anything until they know whether or not the company will be bought out.  No raises for anyone are going through.  It's not anything personal against me.  Now is just not the time to go rocking the boat, yet that's exactly what hubby wants me to do.  I have good benefits here and if I started another job, I have to wait another 90 days to get benefits again, plus another year to get into a 401K plan.  This is the first time I've actually been able to start contributing to one.  Also, I like my job and I like the people I work with.  I may gripe about the company's inefficiencies at times or be worried about the possible buy out, but I have better rapport with my co-workers here than any other job.  The downside to my job is that I have to drive 40 miles a day, which gets expensive.  And sometimes I have to work late, which again cuts into the 'attention time' hubby needs.

So now I'm at the point where I really can't talk to him about anything that might be bothering me that's work related or that has to do with me hurting and probably nothing else either.  He wants all my attention, yet I can't talk to him about certain things.  Before this fight we had, I would blog to vent and get these things off my chest, or basically 'talk' about them in writing, sometimes in public, sometimes not.  Now I have less I feel free to talk to him about and he doesn't want me to blog about it, either.  I guess I'm supposed to keep it inside and put on a happy face all the time. 

If he's down or depressed, which is 99% of the time, I'm there trying to cheer him up or explain the bright side.  I'm there trying to help, even though most times it just seems to anger him even more.  So now that I am depressed, I really needed him to be there for me.  And he wasn't.  He didn't say anything to try to help me feel better.  He doesn't care my tooth hurts.  He doesn't care that I cried half the night or that I cried today.  He doesn't care about any problems, health or otherwise that I am having.  He wants me to have no problems and to take care of his needs. 

I know this isn't right nor is it the way things should be.  But I also know that he probably has legitimate gripes about some things I do or don't do.  I'm certainly not a saint, and I'm sure I don't pay attention to him as much as I should at times.  I get tired of hearing about all his work problems and how he hates it.  I get tired of hearing how he can't do anything right and him putting himself down all the time.  I get tired of hearing from him that if this is the way life is and that things aren't going to go the way he wants at least 40% of the time, he doesn't want to live anymore.  Things don't go the way I want to even 25% of the time and I think most people are closer to that.  40% isn't realistic, I think.  Life is difficult and things just never go the way you want them to.  I know mine certainly hasn't.

Not only was I somewhat excited about my small poker victory against the professional, but I also found out something else yesterday that gave me a spark of hope, which is now all but extinguished.  I found out a major drug company is giving away scholarships for adults diagnosed with ADD to help them continue their education.  I was really excited about this and I printed out all the forms.  I don't know what chance I have over how many other applicants, but I was willing to give it a shot because I have been wanting to go back to school.

But after last night and after today and just so many things bringing me down, I don't see much point in even trying to do it.  Even if I won a scholarship, I don't see me being able to go to school and study without it cutting into his 'attention' time.  I already know that studying would take up a good bit of my evening time if I was still working, which I had planned to do.  I foresee that being a major problem.  And that's even if I were to win.  My self confidence is just shot to hell.  And even things that I seem to do well at, aren't things that matter one bit to anyone else in my life.  It's always the things that I'm falling short on that are noticed.

So I'm venting, while I can.  I don't really want any comments on this post because I already know what most people are going to say about hubby.  I know I deserve to be happy, blah, blah, blah...  I love him and I know he has a major problem with depression.  And I know most, if not all of his behavior towards me and what he gets pissed about is because of his depression.  He needs help and I know it.  I've had no luck convincing him of it as of yet.

The only thing I can think right now is just to let him know that I don't want any gifts for our past anniversary, for my birthday, for Christmas or anything.  I only want one thing and one thing only and if he wants to get me something or do something for me, it's going to be this one thing and that's it.  That's all I want.  I want him to go talk to someone.  It's getting to the point that it's no longer going to be just merely a suggestion.  Threats and ultimatums don't work with him.  He'll just leave.  So I can't go about it that way.  I have to use a different approach than that.  So I'm not sure what all I'll have to do.  All I know is that I don't want him buying me one more thing.  One way or another, he's going to have to know that this is important to me and I'm not going to let it go this time.

Back to another day in the hell that is my life right now...  More later.  Maybe.