I THINK MY MOTHER IS LOSING HER MIND

Well, I tried to extend the olive branch to my mother last night.  I'm at a total loss on what to do anymore.  It may have been the worst conversation I've ever had with her.  It also left me wondering if maybe she really IS losing her mind.  It just doesn't seem possible that one person could be filled with so much hate, meanness and negativity.  I feel like she is dead to me right now.  She said a lot of hurtful things.  But what hurts the most is that I really believe she no longer loves me.  She may never have truly loved me to begin with, but I think she used to.  Now I feel like she hates me.  I'm numb.  I'm hurt.  I feel like I'm in mourning.  It's almost as if all of my family has alienated me.

With everything else in my life causing me turmoil, I was hopeful I could perhaps settle this business between me and my mother so I'd have one less thing stressing me out.  But I suppose there's no reason to let this stress me out.  I don't think it's going to get any better.  I had hoped we could at least be civil to each other.  I don't know if we ever will be again.

As I listened to her criticize every aspect of my life, I tried not to take it too personally.  I really wonder if she is going through some sort of dementia even.  She didn't have one kind or positive thing to say.  Not one.

Naturally she started in on hubby first.  And she told me flat out that she would be unbelievably happy if I got a divorce.  She didn't used to believe in divorce.  She doesn't care if I'm happy or not.  She wants me to choose between her or my husband.  She also wanted me to put him on the phone.  She refused to tell me what she wanted to tell him.  But I wasn't about to let her talk to him.

She accused me of calling her just to upset her because she thinks I get off on it.  And I call the lady who looks out for her and she accused me of doing that just to upset her.  She told me that she was going to fire the lady if she kept talking to me.  So today I called the lady and told her she might not want to let my mother know that she talks to me and that I'd leave it up to her to call me because I didn't want to get her fired.  She doesn't care though, because she only works for my mother part time anyhow.  Still, I'll let her call me if she wants to.

My mother accused me of stealing stuff from the house while I was there, yet she couldn't tell me what she was missing.  I didn't take anything except my Dad's change purse and his nameplate, but she knew about those things.  I think she can't find things because she doesn't put them back, so she automatically assumes someone had to steal them.

I think she is also bad mouthing me to her neighbors, friends and other family members she talks to.  I don't know yet for sure, but I think she is doing that.  If she does call me again, I plan on recording the conversation.  That way if there is ever any doubt in anyone's mind, all they'd have to do is listen to a conversation like we had last night and they would realize what I have to deal with.

In last night's conversation, she brought up every single bad thing I've done in my past as though I'm still that person.  She told me I was fat, that my hair was so thin she could see my scalp (see picture I posted earlier), that I talk, walk and dress like a whore and that my single greatest joy in life is to upset her.  Those of you who know me personally can tell me if there's much truth in any of that.  I don't know any whores, so I'm not really sure what one would talk like.  I could see her thinking I dress like one because I like to wear sexy clothes sometimes.  And of course she told me I'm a 'middle aged' woman, so I should not dress like a teenager.  Sheesh.  I was never allowed to dress like that as a teenager, either.  Heaven forbid that I ever wore anything that might show my belly button.  She attacked everything about me, my looks, what I wear and my personality.  And most of it was really ridiculous, which is why I wonder if she is losing her mind somewhat.

Sadly I don't see it getting any better.  I hear of things like this all the time when people age and their personality changes.  She's always been somewhat bitter, mean and tactless, but nothing to the extent like she was last night.  It was almost as though she was pure evil or possessed.  Even her laugh was cruel and she laughed at anything I had to say as though whatever it was couldn't possibly be true.  She wouldn't listen to anything and at one time even put the phone down and watched TV so she didn't have to listen to me.  I waited until she came back on, but it was obvious she does not want to listen or talk to me.  She even flat out told me she just doesn't like me and she doesn't want to be around me. 

And of course all she cares about is money.  Whatever I wasn't able to go through while I was there, she told me she was selling.  I'm almost tempted to go there at some point with the police, just to get the things I would like to have that were mine in the first place.  I have some old toys, comic books and other books that are in the attic that are mine.  I'd like to have those things.  There are a few other things of my Dad's that I'd like to have too.  But since I'm sure she'd rather burn them than let them fall into my hands, I may tell my brother her intentions so that perhaps he could at least save the items of my Dad's getting sold or thrown away.  I'm sure he would want them as well.  I just don't know how serious her intentions were on some of that, but I do know she would probably have to have help from someone to get the stuff from the attic and to sell them. 

I just wish I had recorded the conversation last night.  I don't know if I'll talk to her again anytime soon or ever.  But before I do, I'd like to figure out how I can record conversations from now on just in case my brother or other family members don't believe me about any of this.  I already know she acts differently around different family members.  She seems to act almost normal around my nephew's family.  They don't ever see this side of her.  I wish I hadn't seen it either.